Steve’s Peeves: the 1st Installment

In a likely futile attempt to match the wit and humor of Nick’s Six, I introduce Steve’s Peeves. Aiming to combine Andy Rooney’s sarcasm on 60 Minutes and Peter Griffin’s clueless-ness on “What Really Grinds My Gears,” this column will be my outlet to vent on everything that is wrong with our world.

Why does everyone think they are the pre-2004 Red Sox? The 2008 Phillies are the latest example of a team that is winning a supposedly unattainable championship (see also: 2005 White Sox, 2008 Rays). Jayson Stark complains that only in Philadelphia would a long-awaited World Series championship be delayed by the supernatural force of rain. Like the pre-2004 Red Sox, the Phillies contend with a curse of their own. As Phillies fans ponder whether or not God hates them, let’s weigh their case against the pre-2004 Red Sox.

Length of curse

• Red Sox: 85 years, since Babe Ruth was sold in 1919 as a result of the same antics that caused the team to unload Manny Ramirez in 2008.

• Phillies: 21 years, since Philadelphia’s One Liberty Place skyscraper became the first to exceed William Penn’s statue in height*.

*It is worth noting that Philadelphia’s curse covers all Philadelphia sports. While the Red Sox failed to reclaim the World Series title for 86 years, their other teams had frequent success.

Length of championship drought

• Red Sox: 86 years, since defeating the Cubs in 6 in 1918.

• Phillies: 28 years, since defeating the Royals in 6 in 1980.

Circumstances of devastating letdowns

• Red Sox: Bucky fucking Dent, Billy fucking Buckner, Tim fucking Tschida, Aaron fucking Boone.

• Phillies: rain.

Hey, Philadelphia. Shut up.