My mother would often tell me not to lie.So I would do something wrong, get caught, come out with a half-truth, and call it even.
I recently found the transcript of a lie I told my mother many years ago. I looked it over, and it looks a lot like Mr. Alex Rodriguez's current plight. Mr. Rod, I encourage you to take a look at this dialogue. Maybe you'll realize it's important to tell the whole truth.
Enter my mother (MM). After working all day just to feed me, she has returned home to find out that I may or may not have eaten the entire box of frosted animal crackers that she bought.
MM: Did you eat all of the animal crackers?
Me: No! I would never do that! I'm confident in my ability to climb the playscape faster than everyone else without the assistance of a box of sugar-coated wafers.
MM: So you're sure, you didn't eat the animal crackers?
Me: *Looking her straight in the face* Nope, not at all.
MM: So why were you so hyper from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m.? What could possibly explain that?
Me: I'm not sure. I mean, I was feeling pretty good from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. I guess I was in the prime of my day.
MM: OK. Well the thing is, I know your brother and sister have eaten an entire box of frosted animal crackers before. I would be mad, but would certainly understand why you would do it too.
Me: Like I said, I'm pretty confident in my abilities, as a superior sibling when it comes to the playscape. Why would I even need to eat an entire box of frosted animal crackers?
*Dad enters kitchen home from work. Tells my mom he knows for a fact I ate the entire box of frosted animal crackers. I'm pretty upset now. My dad was supposed to keep it a secret!*
MM: So you DID eat the frosted animal crackers!
Me: Yeah I did, but it was only once I swear! It was a stupid mistake! I'm so young!
MM: Why did you lie to me?!
Me: Mom, I convinced myself I hadn't eaten the frosted animal crackers! How am I supposed to tell you the truth, If I'm not truthful to myself?!
MM: Who gave you such an idea?!
Me: Well, my cousin said it would be a good idea. We took the box of frosted animal crackers off the counter, and he showed me how to bite all of the legs off first. Looking back, we had no idea how to properly eat them.
MM: Your cousin is 5!
Me: I'd rather not get in to my cousin, mom. And also, my brother and sister at entire boxes of frosted animal crackers! I had to keep up with their intense sugar highs if I wanted to be able to climb the playscape as fast as they were!
MM: So if you said you didn't NEED the crackers, why did you eat them?
Me: *Pause. Long Pause. Head turn. Mouth quiver. Eye watering. Lip bite.* Good question.
MM: You know, this is going to make me reconsider letting you in to the museum next week.
MM: You know, this is going to make me reconsider letting you in to the museum next week.
Me: No! Not that! Anything but that! That's what I've wanted my whole life! I'll do anything to get in to that museum!
MM: Anything huh? Like eating an entire box of frosted animal crackers?
3 comments:
nice! when i first started reading i thought it would be about that time when you told your mom you were at my house....
i was actually going to, but there's just something nostalgic about this story...and the story that starts with me being at your house ends in the worst summer of my life.
i suppose the analogy would be better if it ended in $300 million.
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