Why EA Sports Should Be Charged With Fraud

I had an epiphany today.

It was a moment of pure joy, followed by a moment of pure embarassment. Embarassment because I can't believe I let a video game company fool me for this long.


Let me set the stage. Six seconds left, I'm tied with No. 2 LSU. I'm at my own forty. Rather than run the ball and force overtime, myself and my assistant Steve Spurrier (of the pixelated variety) decide, 'hell no, we've got this.' I send all of my receivers on seam routes, and I let Stephen Garcia sling his gun. Wouldn't you know it? Downtown Freddie Brown makes a one-handed catch and cuts in front of the pile-on.

Game over. Party in Five Points.




In the midst of my joyous celebration, my happy tears turned to sad tears. For I realized something.

THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

How can the video game conglomerate legally get away with fraud? How can EA sports let guys like me (23-year old men who live in a loft at their mother's house, wear nothing but sweatpants and live off the Five-Dollar Footlong Phenomenon) believe that such things could happen one day?

Sure, for the first three quarters of the game, they keep it realistic. My South Carolina defense was speedy and effective. My Cock-n-Fire offense was more like Cock-n-Block. All seemed right with the world. And in true Gamecock fan fashion, I was completely prepared to blow it in the fourth against a ranked team, and be totally OK with it.

But nooooooo. EA sports is like the older kid at school who tells you that Santa Claus isn't real. Or that he is real, but instead of giving kids presents, he molests them. You all remember that kid.

Here are some other things in the game that should be included in the class action lawsuit I am going to bring against EA. And yes, this counts as a Nick's Six.

1. Charlie Weiss is not nearly as fat in the game as he is in real life. Seriously, the front ass he features in the game does not do his actual front ass justice. Add Kansas coach Mark Mangino to this list, although I have yet to see his digital version.

2. The fan graphics could be way better. I was astonished to see that when I played at Clemson, their fans were not portrayed as baby killers. Nope. Just normal people. WTF?

3. There are way too many white defensive backs. Who made this game, Rush Limbaugh?

4. Instead of the gamecasts being done by Brad Nessler, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso, EA should admit to the low level of college sportscasting that has plagued our society in real life. Keep Corso, and add Lou Holtz and Jesse Palmer to complete the "All-Retarded Team."

5. The game makes it easy for small league teams to rise up and compete for recruits with teams from the Big 12, SEC, Big 10 and PAC 10. No. This is fundamentally wrong. Teams from the Sun Belt do not have the money, access to high-priced cars, or ability to lure recruits with hookers like the major conferences do.

6. Todd Boeckman is a Heisman candidate. Enough said.